"From Atheist to Heathen in three very shaky steps..."

First posted onto my other blog (http://5threplicant.livejournal.com) in 2009.

So, as promised, a post about my turn to the dark side (or spiritual shift toward paganism, if you prefer). Sorry for the belated nature of this post, but this is stuff that I am still not entirely sure about. Cardinal sin as it seems to be with some pagans, I am still very much the cynic and hold dear some very humanist opinions.

Until a relatively short (in the scheme of things) while ago, I was a very strong atheist and cynic. Never quite managing full on physicalist/materialist (I could never quite agree that 'the physical' was *all* there was), I nevertheless scoffed at those who believed in/had faith in (( insert your deity here )) and was rarely comfortable hanging with the more flighty faeriegoths or fluffy pagans. You know the kind. Those people for whom the world is all spirits and energies and whose idea of spirituality is based way too heavily on the re-runs of Buffy they've watched.

For me, existentialism had been as close as I got toward any kind of personal philosophy. If divinity did exist, then it was within us, rather than external. The most 'fluffy' I ever got was reading about Jung's concept of the collective unconscious. I was hardly going to be embracing David Icke any time soon, trust me.

Then a few things happened which looks to be changing all that. Firstly, in a discussion with one of my more 'fluffy' but still very intelligence mates, she made a point which caused a door in my mind to swing just slightly ajar for a moment. Nothing major, no epiphanies, revelations, unravelling of my mind or trumpets sounding or anything. Maybe a BBC Sound Effects department-style creak to announce said opening. More comedic than inspiring, really.

Secondly, another of my friends who I had a deal of respect for announced his becoming a heathen (or I think the term he used was Odinist - there are lot of words for essentially the same thing, each carrying with it a certain amount of baggage and no-one seems quite sure what the collective should really be called anyway). This, again, was no inspiring moment, but did perhaps plant a little seed. It made me aware, not just that heathenry existed (I knew that already) but gave me a little knowledge of what it's modern manifestation is about.

Finally, while I was living in Sweden I had perhaps the closest thing I have ever had to an epiphany or a spiritual experience. While out and about (which was often the case back then as even city areas in Sweden are usually surrounded by the most gloriously beautiful nature) I had a strong feeling of divinity. This time external to me and all around me. Somehow connected both to myself and the land. Call it just simply being awestruck at the beauty of nature, if you like. That was certainly a part of it. As was a sense of history and of the generations of my ancestors (who more than likely hailed from somewhere in Scandinavia) stretching back into the dimness of time, feeling the same things as me and all being connected.

Again, not as cataclysmic an event as I am, perhaps, painting with these words now. Very actual were these feelings, but very understated. And, over the following months, I got more and more of a sense of a change in perspective and my 'spiritual alignment' (for want of a less fluffy word). Additionally, around this time, I began to experience 'waking dreams'. First of all dreaming a giant spider in my bed - a hallucination which remained for a few seconds after I awoke. Something that shit me up and no mistake, I can tell you! Other such hallucinations have occured since, and all around waking/going to sleep. Perhaps a sign of my imagination gaining influence over me once more. Or perhaps simply a reflection of the fact I'd been thinking about symbols and spiritual beings much more than previously and so my mind (being what it is) took license to go apeshit for a bit.

So now, I find myself reconciling the two sides of myself. The cynic and the dreamer. Always the two major sides to my character, the shift now seems to be that I am listening more to the dreamer where my beliefs are concerned. Still, though, I am reticent to lose that cynical part of me. I still feel uncomfortable with fluffy pagans and prefer the company of other 'cynics with their doors ajar' such as myself. Having people tell me I am not really a pagan cos I don't believe in actual divine entities just makes me more and more cynical, to be honest. Theatening regression if truth be told. But I feel my version of heathenry allows me to incorporate its values and lessons into my life without having to insist that the gods are actual people watching us like bloody gormless reality tv fans. You'd think gods'd have better things to do than watch us make tits of ourselves!?